Dear Father Christmas,

You may have heard some things about me. I suspect all of them were based on hearsay and rumour mongering and, as an ambassador for truth, I am here to put you right.

You may have heard that I have not been what is commonly described as a ‘good girl’ this year. This causes me some concern as I feel I may have been misrepresented.

For example, you may have heard that sometimes I am not the girl to heed to warnings. I think someone of your great experience would understand that the words, “If you do that again I will spank you until you cry” sound a great deal like, “Please do that again or I will spank you until you cry.”

It is simply not my fault that a warning sounds like an invitation. It is human behaviour 101 to push that limit and giggle as I do so.

You may also have heard that I may be the girl who makes a mess of the whole house when her boyfriend is away. It is just that there are so many adventures to be had, films to watch, baths to take and friends to ring that tidying up and cleaning is last on a busy girl’s list. I am sure you will be more understanding than my boyfriend who takes one look at the dishes in the sink or the clothes on the bedroom floor and looks at me hard while sliding his belt through the loops of his jeans.

I was not built to be good, Santa, I was built for mischief and naughtiness.

But for each of my tiny, cheeky acts I have paid the price and in full. I have been told off this year, I have been spanked; I have been bent over tables, beds, his lap and even sofas. I have been told off, walloped, whipped and caned and so many other awful things that your heart would simply break if I told you all I had suffered.

Santa, when you consider all of this you will realise that I am more deserving than the girls who are dull and predictable. I have given great joy to my boyfriend and all my perceived naughtiness was really just to help him express himself and give vent to his terrible needs to do bad things.

I saved him from himself.

I am sure you can see now that I am the very best of girls and I look forward to a great big bag of goodies when you come to call.

Lots of love

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PS If there are any other girls out there who need a letter for Santa feel free to borrow this one. We are all in this together and must keep our stories straight tell the truth of our goodness as one so that we are properly understood.