A Place on the Spectrum


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Sometime back it was explained to me by a sexual-psychologist that there is virtually no such thing as Gay or straight and that everyone is on the spectrum. Hackles will rise at this suggestion, I know, but people are masters of self-deception and I wonder if there isn’t something in this.

I know that almost every girl I ever got intimate enough for the confessional admitted, to a greater or lesser extent, that they had either had a sexual experience or had fantasised about experiences with other women.

One scale that can be used, according to the aforesaid psychologist, runs minus five to plus five, where zero is a true bisexual. Five is a supposed total heterosexual and minus five a total homosexual.

The average, I was told is about 2.7, which is pretty solidly heterosexual with a bit of bi-curiosity thrown in. How much people act on or explore the homosexual part of their character is largely down to the culture they live in.

This figure of 2.7 (one wonders how it was arrived at) represents the top of the bell curve with just as many people scoring above as below. Between one in five and one in 10 is the typical proportion of people in the UK who identify with being Gay, more than actually claim to be bi-sexual, but boundaries are blurred, aren’t they?

In practice I think people pick a preference and ignore the inconvenient ‘thoughts’ that don’t fit.

I got to wondering about how many people secretly have spanking fantasies but don’t explore them. If we apply the same scale where minus five are people with zero interest and five as total spankos, then where do you stand? What about your boss or your local preacher?

Psychological studies have found that between one in four and one in three have spanking or BDSM-related fantasies, or so it is claimed. Even if taken at face value that means that the spanking scale has more spankos than homosexuals.

Of course one thing is not related to the other; think Venn diagram. It certainly isn’t a competition.

No Psychobabble article such as this would be complete without some ‘case studies.’

Here are some anecdotes about real apparently vanilla people who have revealed to me or someone else some spanking fantasies at some point.

A secretary at a school where I once worked was mildly reprimanded where some of us were having lunch. It wasn’t more than an intoned few words directed at her, no one heard what was said. But she blurted, “God, I wonder what it would be like to go across his knee for a good sound spanking.” She blushed for England once she realised what she had just said aloud.

To a girl friend of mine another 19-year-old girl in college complained that her mother sometimes whipped her bare bottom with a small riding crop when she mouthed off. She complained that it “really hurt and leaves these god awful purple welts on my bum. Sometimes I can’t sit down comfortably for days.” She added, perhaps again without thinking, “It wouldn’t be so bad if my step-dad did it.”

Another twenty-something co-worker lived with her elder half-sister and had had a row with her that morning. She admitted that she had been to blame and had been out partying and had woken the baby one her three am return. “I hate when she goes on about things, particularly when I am defo wrong,” she said gloomily, “Pity I am too old for a spanking.”

She looked up at this point and shrugged. “Yeah well it used it happen and at least I knew where I stood: Kinda of fun sometimes.” Then she added apropos nothing, “More fun if I could spank her sometimes.”

A more blatant conversation was overheard on a train to Brighton in 1980.

Two girls in their early 20s were chatting in the seat in front of me in an otherwise empty carriage. Then one of them said, “It was totally my fault, I was being such a bitch. He said ‘what you need is to have your knickers taken down and having your bare bottom spanked red.’ I totally didn’t take the hint and carried on being a bitch. Next thing I am over his lap with my knickers down getting a spanking.”

“He never,” said her shocked friend.

“No sadly, I made the last bit up. His dad came back and I was saved by the bell.”

Another time I was in a shared house. I was sitting out of sight reading in a big sofa with my back to two girls chatting. Then forgetting I was there they were talking and the conversation got around to sexual fantasies. One of them said her boyfriend liked maid’s outfits. The other was suddenly gripped with enthusiasm and broke into a monologue.

“That would only work for me if I really had to do some house work, you know as a punishment or something. You know, down on my knee with a little outfit and no knickers so that he could see my bare bum as I dusted the skirting board. My bum would be all red from the spanking he had given me and I know he would spank me again if I didn’t clean properly.”

It suddenly went quiet and the indiscreet girl said lamely, “Something like that anyway.”

Her friend just said, “I will make some coffee.”

4 Responses to “A Place on the Spectrum”

  1. Loved this. My other profession includes offering therapy. I love sitting and allowing people to just talk. Their true thoughts eventually come out. it took a while for me to ask for what I wanted. The kinky stuff. I wish someone had overheard me and had the revealing conversation before I was nearly forty. Think of the time I wasted when I could have been spanked earlier!
    Thanks. this was great!

    • 2 DJ

      I think we all feel like that – I am amazed at how many young people (especially young women) who are open to their sexuality at 19 or 20. A few years back I met a 22-year-old out with her stepmother at the London Alternative Market. they were checking out spanking equipment etc – the girl being part of the scene and her middle aged step mum just curious.

      Thanks for the contribution

  2. 3 Patron

    The sexuality discussion is interesting. Most people focus on the hetero side, but the gay men that I know have NO interest in women at all, and they started out in the closet and slept with a few women before they came out. It’s interesting that both sides can be pretty inflexible. In my experience, women have an overall more fluid sexuality.

    Speaking of my experience, I’d say that it’s more important to ask about how women view dominance overall. While spanking is my interest, I found that a known interest in spanking was reasonably uncommon for a female. Most women would say “no,” even if that was a lie. However, the reverse was true for overall dominant behavior. Even women who were very independent and strong minded were turned on by something such as suddenly being picked up and tossed over the shoulder to end an argument.

    Going from there, I’ve found that most women–more than 50% and less than 80%–were open to being spanked if it wasn’t fetishized but was rather attached to dominance. It’s the one issue I’ve had with spanking writers with little interest. They think that many scenarios are unrealistc, but I’ve found the opposite to be true. I’d have to go to the extreme fringe of spanking fiction to find a M/F scenario that I thought never had happened. It’s part of the reason I mostly write Ff/F


    • 4 DJ

      I think you are right about men and women – Gay men in my experience are pretty set – where as I know many women who are hetrosexual but have had lesbian relationships and as I say in the article many more who are like you say – fluid!

      I think this may be cultural as until recently in Anglo culture M2M contact is uncomfortable and the is no room to be ambiguous where perhaps there is with women?

      I agree that women seem more open to spanking if it is not a ‘thing’ or fetishised as you say. Play fights that segue into something more (or like old movies and the unreconstituted male dominance) are fairly common or was when I was growing up. The hard step is to own ones feelings and needs and not keep it all at arms length.

      Speaking for myself I knew what I wanted internally but until well into my 30s (40s?) did I not openly pursue it as scene thing. It was either within a relationship – which in turn had often been arrived at through ‘messing about’ and dominance/quasi discipline spanking.

      I spanked a housemate (female) several times for various misdemeanours – throwing water – setting off a rape alarm… she could accept it as being punished for skylarking before we really got it on in that kind of relationship.

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