This is to the men, or the women. This is to whoever is in charge, whoever it is that wields the belt, or whoever it is that would stand up and offer to steer the ship in the storm.

Is that you?

Then we need to have a talk.

We know how it works most of the time. She gets tetchy, she gets difficult, maybe you try to pacify her and then you stop trying to make it better because you realise that is the only way you will make it worse.

You alter your tone, go from lover to stalwart disciplinarian and you watch her. She might be startled and buckle, she might try to fight you or she might be so relieved at your taking control again that she almost crawls over your lap and waits with only a wriggle to suggest a concern at what is to come.

I am going to make a suggestion. Please listen to it.

You know how it is now? It is calm, there is no disaster; there is no tension. There is nothing for you to be all Toppy about.

You are wrong. Now is the time.

This is what I have learned.

DJ and I argue sometimes. We are in love, we live together and we are good people. It is normal we argue and not something that should suggest a problem, certainly not something that always needs to be dealt with by a spanking.

But we used to have this thing, a very irritating thing and it made us both unhappy until we realised how much it hurt us.

We would argue and DJ might say, “You always do this, you …” and then detail what I was doing. He was very often correct and making valid observations about a personal shortcoming of mine. But it was not the time to do so and I would get very angry for two reasons.

Firstly, if we are arguing about apples (we never had, but it could happen) then don’t bring bananas into it. It is unhelpful. We are having a hard enough time with apples without complicating the issue.

Secondly, and most importantly, as the man who is in charge of steering us I expected DJ not to keep concerns secret until there was another problem. For example, sometimes when I got upset about something I would simmer in a rage and then explode at him about an hour later. I would have built myself a wall of rage and attacked from behind it. This was uncool and upsetting. It meant that we had horrid days sometimes. The thing was, until DJ realised exactly what I was doing and spoke to me when I was calm, when I was feeling submissive and when he felt in control and collected nothing could be done.

If there is a problem, a personal flaw that is affecting you both then, as leader, be proactive and deal with it. Don’t wait until it happens again, don’t wait until you are just about to go out or you are driving to see family.

With us, dealing with issues has become a positive part of our relationship. DJ picks a time when we have time, one of those lazy days when the house is tidy and work will wait. He creates the kind of space I need to submit in. He eases me into submission, not with loud, snappy punishments but with calm ones, controlling acts that allow me to walk into a yielding headspace and lie down in it.

There may be a hand spanking, talking in between. His hands explore me. I find that hard, I want to control him but the house is quiet, his voice is low and slowly I realise he can do as he wishes.

And then, then it is hard to describe. He reads me well.

Sometimes he bends me over the bed and canes me, a slow, deliberate caning and in-between each set he rests his hands on my back and talks to me.

He may restrain me, but this is rare. He prefers restraint to be voluntary and so restraint, when it comes, is tied to a message. I think it is about acceptance, about having the time to wait for me to be calm. He helps me to find the still small voice of calm that reminds me to hear his voice.

Other times he might use ginger, which I struggle with but accept because it is him and I love him.

Sometimes his belt, loud in the silence he has created, but such a symbol of his authority that it takes us both back to who and what we are. Talking in between strikes, telling me what I need to know, saying what he needs to have said.

There are other practises, I will tell you about them another time. I think you understand me well enough for now.

In this calm and silence his voice, his words, guide us both, remind us both who we are and what we want. He is setting our course, checking the latitude and longitude and guiding us to a far off point we may never reach.

We trust you to lead us. We look up to you. We chose you. We need you. We love you.

Lead us.