Or why we should pay more heed to Miss Nin than to Mr Gibson

The quotes scattered throughout this post are by Anaïs Nin..

“Had I not created my whole world, I would certainly have died in other people’s.”

I am learning my kings and queens. I have always wanted to know them from William The Conqueror 1066 right up until today. The thing is there is rather a lot of them and to remember you need to have a little context or all of the Richards, Henry’s, Edward’s and George’s get muddled up.

But before you learn the order of who went where and why you have to get rid of the myths that you thought you knew, the bits and bobs you got from half listened to history lessons, films and dubious historical novels.

Edward the first for example, was way cooler than I thought. He was the one who clashed with William Wallace (immortalised by Mr Gibson in the film Braveheart). He seemed like a terrible man for setting off happy go lucky farmer Mr Gibson (in the days when Mel’s rage was still a secret). The film shows Wallace as a peace loving farmer whose lover was raped and killed the evil English forcing Wallace to bring forth noble rage and duff up the English. That is almost totally true- except Wallace was arguably a descendent of a minor Welsh nobleman who had been given some land in Scotland in return for an oath of allegiance to the English king. What caused him to join or start an uprising was not the rape and murder of his wife was most likely was a dispute over something like logging rights or taxation- very valid disputes for a minor nobleman to engage in but not quite the romantic picture portrayed by MG. There are no records of him having a wife.

(To clarify, if there are any Scottish people reading, I totally agree that Scotland should have been self-governing and in charge of its own taxes and well done to Robert the Bruce- who is known as Braveheart, not William Wallace. And I think that in the film Robert was shown as taking sides with the English against Wallace, not true either. I am writing in favour of a good understanding of history rather than in favour of Scottish oppression.)

History is like that. You do your best to pick up details from here there and everywhere and before you know it your head is full of nonsense. It makes things very difficult to understand because all your false assertions get in the way of what may be true. Another example, Richard the Third may have done quite a long sighted and helpful thing by seizing the throne and mislaying the Princes bringing an increased chance of stability to a throne and kingdom that had been in dispute for generations. Tens or possibly hundreds of thousands had died in the disputes so far and handing the kingdom over to a 12-year-old may well have led to many more deaths.

We can’t understand history until we unlearn what we thought we knew before.

And all of life is like that, especially when you turn it on its head and try to live a life where one of you gets spanked and the other one does not.

There is an awful lot that has to be unlearned.

For example, fairness needs to be re-understood. I had thought fairness was vital in a relationship and, although I knew it did not mean treating everyone the same, I had thought it meant things should be roughly equitable. I think it still does mean that but I am not sure I think it is that important anymore. If he does something I think is wrong or irritating I do get to tell him but that is it. If the situation is reversed he can spank me. That is not fair, not equitable and I am not sure I care. Or is it that it is unfair that he has to be in charge while I can dip into his arms and not worry about it?  I must review what fairness means.

I have to unlearn what I think I am. This is perhaps the hardest of all. We build up our own image from experience, from how family and friends treat us and the words they use. This is very deep learning that is ingrained into the core of us. It is hard to separate what is true from what we believe; it is as though we are all in our very own film set, a false history with a cast of writers and directors. I think many of us are harmed by this false history and held back from what we could be.

“What we call our destiny is truly our character and that character can be altered. The knowledge that we are responsible for our actions and attitudes does not need to be discouraging, because it also means that we are free to change this destiny. One is not in bondage to the past, which has shaped our feelings, to race, inheritance, background. All this can be altered if we have the courage to examine how it formed us. We can alter the chemistry provided we have the courage to dissect the elements.”

I have found in a relationship where I question everything and where I allow myself to be open to questioning. I discover that I am not who I thought I was. I can check DJ’s assessment of me and compare it to  my own conclusions by checking for evidence on both sides. I do so and am constantly surprised by what I learn. It is ironic that in my (attempts to follow a path of) submission I am finding myself to be a better person than I had previously thought.

This does emphasise the importance of finding a Top/ lover/whatever who is not only wise but also kind and selfless. I can see how a person could be terribly harmed by an unkind Top.

“It is the function of art to renew our perception. What we are familiar with we cease to see. The writer shakes up the familiar scene, and, as if by magic, we see a new meaning in it.”

I think this confusion about who we are may be true of lots of us. I think people with a tendency to be submissive allow themselves to be very open to other people’s assertions and we can internalise even unintended messages about who we are and how important we are. We live in a film set that we have built from a million interactions, taking directions and cues from events long past.

Mr Gibson, he was an angry man who wrote an untruth for his own ends. The story he told was stirring and big – but believing it would not be helpful. These unhelpful and true stories are all around us and within us.

We have a lot to unlearn. And this history, your history can be begun now, today in the way that you wish it to be.

“There is not one big cosmic meaning for all; there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.”

Let us find our own meanings, and our own truth. We deserve nothing less.