I am a submissive who lives full time in a relationship with her Dom. I have learned a lot in the last few years and so here is advice I wish I could give to all Tops based on what I have learned. Some of these will apply perfectly to your relationship and some will be wrong for you. I trust you to take what is useful and ignore the rest.

I have also referred to the Sub as, “her.” I am a woman – I know that not all Doms are men and not all subs are women.

Remember before anything else how it felt to be young – sit back and remember the creak of floor boards as someone walked past you as you worked. You did not have a fear of ghosts of violence but you had the knowledge that you are not in control and someone else was. You were safe and they were calm.

Remember how it felt to be tense and confused and hot in your head but you lacked the skill to say how you felt. This sensation may be one that you bring to your submissive- be patient.

There were some people who spoke with you as though you were stupid and your concerns petty. These people had no authority, regardless of intelligence and achievements. Remember what lack of authority looked like and how it made you feel.

• Believe in your authority. All authority is an illusion, it requires complicity. You need to take part in the agreement before anyone else will. You can do this, you are this. You will, obviously, reach an agreement with your partner and if she accepts your authority you must do so too.

• Relax- once you are convinced of your own authority it will accomplish all you need it to. Enjoy it and trust yourself to be selfless and caring and kind. It is no sin to be in charge. Let your energy be calm- you are the sails and the ship, not the wind.

• Your authority will help her to be relaxed, safe and happy. There will be less rows, no shouting; she will be in no danger (from herself or you). If you are the scariest thing in the room then everything will be ok. She will laugh more, tell you more and learn more. It is not about being mean, it is a gift to her. You can alter the mood of a room, so can the one you care for. It should be you that does it. You both need it to be you.

• Time- never be afraid to let a moment sit and of making her wait. It can diffuse rage or other emotion and takes her out of controlling the moment. You choose the time, not her. For example if you ask a question and she does not reply, let it rest with her- same with an order. Withdraw your attention- unless you want especially to make them do something that moment. Let her disobedience hang in the air so it is clear to you both. You can draw her attention to it, but you do not need to rush to react.

• Hoist her on her own petard. Make her explain what she did in her own words. If she says something particularly interesting that you wish to draw her attention to then ask her to repeat the sentence. You could even make her write the sentence out and explain why she did or said it. If you are feeling especially like sorting something out make her read the sentence out loud to you.

• Reputation matters so be consistent in dealing with things and sometimes be surprising in how you deal with things. Don’t establish a pattern. If she knows what to expect then you have to keep working harder to make the same impact. But if you say you will do something, whether it is spanking her or putting the rubbish out then keep your word. If you have to change something tell her why even if you think it is obvious to her. “As our friends called by unexpectedly I will not spank you tonight. I will spank you tomorrow instead.” You will retain control and her trust.

• It is fine sometimes to make her do something just to make a point that you are in charge. You do not need to show off about it or even say what you are doing. If she questions why – make her do it twice.

• Rarely (I am nervous of saying “never” but I can’t think of a time when you would) explain why you want her to do something before she does it. You may explain why after (if you wish) but not before. In the same way do not discuss what will happen afterwards. It becomes a deal and that is not what you should be doing. Her only business at these times is doing what you say.

• Voice- if you raise it, you lose. If you really want to make a point- talk quietly. It creates tension. It makes her listen to you. If you talk when you are spanking her she may not be able to hear you.

• Posture- you choose. You can relax and make her not. You sit and she standing creates an imbalance of power from the start. She will feel awkward and unsure. But keep your body language calm – that helps her to trust you. You are bigger and stronger than her – she must always feel safe.

• Eye contact is very hard when you are in trouble, demand it sometimes, enjoy her inability to look at you at other times.

• Why and when you exert your authority is key. You must be consistent if you are to expect her to obey you. For me, I must feel that he loves me, even in the midst of a punishment, without that I withdraw.

• Questions. Ask questions with care. The right question can do a lot. For example, “What do you think you slamming that door says about your respect for me?” For extra effect use key words, words that have extra impact. These will be different for different girls –for me “Young lady” “naughty” “little girl” are all game changers. If DJ listens with care when he uses these words I gasp a little.

• Control yourself and be in control of yourself. We need to trust you- make it clear that we can.

• Remember that she loves you and she needs you.

• Give her a choice sometimes. “Are you sure that is what you want to do?” She may just say “screw it” and do it anyway but that gives you more fuel for the fire. If this happens- it is ok. See next point.

• Sometimes she needs to kick off. Let her for a moment. Then stop her- it’s a thing they have to do, it is not personal. But do not let her off, that makes them feel nervous and afraid. Stay calm, stay cal, stay calm.

• Never be intimidated or blackmailed by emotion. It is normal for a girl wh is being told off to feel pain, rage and so on. These are valid emotions that you will listen to and help them with but they should never be an excuse for unkind or disrespectful behaviour. Be clear in your own mind that you can separate the emotion from the behaviour and do not feel any guilt about stopping the behaviour before you help with the emotion.

Separate poor behaviour from valid emotions and never allow yourself to be intimidated or guilted into accepting bad behaviour. It will hurt her and it will hurt you.

This is the skill that will let you make real changes to your relationship and to both your lives. She will suffer (and make you suffer) until you stop her.

• Never feel guilty about what you do. If you screw up say sorry and then get over it. Do better next time.

• Most of your authority will be built up in non-confrontation moments. The way you talk about yourself and act during the 98% of time you are not dealing with conflict is when you will build up your reputation.

• Expect to be tested. It is not personal. They will lose face if they let just anyone push them around. When you get tested, give back twice as good as you get and then know that you won and be lovely right away.