Tonight I am supposed to go to bed early. I am in a strop because I don’t like going to bed, I worry I will miss out on something and I worry that he doesn’t want me with him. So despite being dead on my feet and my eyes popping shut every three minutes I will fight it with all I have. He will insist and I will not be able to fight him and then, when I am all tucked in, he will tell me a story. At the moment he is telling me tales of Alexander the Great who seems to be a rather rum chap.

I know he might spank me. I know that even as I sit here prepared to argue my corner (hopefully not from the corner.) Previously when I have fought sleep he has spanked me long, long before it was needed every time. My knickers come down with practised speed of hand and I get swept towards him in the dark. I am never quite ready for it and feel slighted at how misunderstood I have been. I kick and splutter and tell him how wrong he is until I just say “OW!” and it is some point after this he stops. I have often slept with my bottom sticking out of the sheets, cooling in the night air, a red moon for the white one.

Throughout all these times I feel not at all like myself as I really am- or maybe I feel more like myself than I pretend to be every day.  The age I feel changes all the time; sometimes I work hard and act in the most responsible manner and feel like a teenager bluffing like mad and a moment later I feel older than mountains. I work out and I feel like a sporty 20-year-old but then I can’t find my trainers and I stamp my feet around the place like a little girl.

I have been thinking about this topic a lot recently – spurred on by the recent commenter who told how she was angered by people connecting an adult wearing a school uniform with vile practices- even though we all manage to understand the difference between spanking and domestic violence every day.

I know lots of people disagree with me but I think that being told off and having a spanking, an OTK, knickers down, kicking your legs in the air type, sorting you out no matter what you say style spanking – none of these strike me as the most adult way to live. To me, there is an unarguably childlike aspect to it.

It is not just what is done it is why and how it is done. It is that he decides and I accept (accept may not be the right word but it is close enough). It is an authority figure that is stern, loving and forgiving and another figure that is playful, naughty and somewhat impulsive. It is not play though, not a pretend scene. It is real elements of ourselves that ebb and flow with all our personality traits.

I know that there are very adult aspects to TTWD. There are dungeons and whips and chains, the sometimes theatrical and other times terribly serious adult punishments or playtime that I can’t pretend to understand. I don’t do this, I don’t understand it but I am thrilled for those people who have found their passion. I also don’t understand radiation therapy or thermodynamics – both of which are terribly good things. So I am not even thinking of saying that everyone has a child-like aspect to the TTWD or that those who do not are wrong, just horses for courses and everyone should be happy.

I do think all people can have elements of childlike and childish. We can all be childish.

When we don’t want to share, we sulk and want out own way despite the cost to others. It is when we are demanding, histrionic, impatient, lacking in personal responsibility, or when we manipulate others to fit in with our own games.  We know people like this. They are hideous at work, terrible in social situations, expensive and destructive in society and horribly dull as family. I suppose part of adult hood is learning how to cope with childish people without resorting to terrible traits oneself.

I can cope with the childish people around me. I am sometimes childish myself (but DJ has his methods for challenging that) but I prefer the childlike and for that aspect of myself I am developing a respect and love.

I like the juxtaposition. Work is tough at the moment, I am not going to list why, we could each of us recite a list of why work is tough. I enjoy my job very much but there are parts of it that make me go “Arrrgghhh.” I am sure this is the same for everyone. But at work I am assertive, deal with problems efficiently and without fuss and almost never punch people on the nose for being stupid and mean.

Childlike matters.

It matters to play, to have fluff in my life. It matters to have fun for no good reason except that it is fun. To me childlike doesn’t need accoutrements or special routines, just an acceptance of all elements of oneself. There are some clothes that clash with these elements such as work suits and high heels and some activities that don’t help either such as getting your car taxed or getting lime scale off taps.

I think everything has its place. I have suits and a way to remove scale from taps but, some days, I love the smell outside when the seasons change, I love to catch leaves that fall when I run no matter how stupid I look as I lumber from one side of the track to the other. When I run in the snow I stick my tongue out to catch the flakes. I love to read fairy stories and to day dream. I could spend hours looking at the stars and just wondering.

I like that I can be fluffy sometimes. I like that I don’t have to know all the answers all the time, or solve every problem. I like that I can play around and curl up on his lap. I like that not everything has to be so horribly serious all the time. I like to tease him and make him laugh. I ask a millions questions a day and can take my time learning the answers and letting myself form around what I know. I am changing because I am letting myself be childlike. I am growing up all over again but this time slowly and with love.

I like finding this part of myself.

Sometimes I worry – should I try to deny this part of me? But then I look at the bored people who have forgotten how to play and the people who are so in denial of their own childlike parts that they scream and shout and can’t hear a thing.

If people get uptight and think I am wrong, I shall both bite my tongue and stick my tongue out at them and let them make of it what they will.

What about you? How do you feed the childlike aspect of yourself? How do you take care not to be all grown up too fast and to avoid forgetting what you once knew?