I should be doing fifteen other things now but I want to write this. The more I write the more I don’t understand how I lived my life without writing. It helps me to think things through.

I feel the same way about DJ. A number of times through the day I file things away to speak with him about and then at night I fold myself into his arms and I ask him about everything. I tell him what I think about: what people say, how people act, patterns in politics, history, art, nature and he responds by telling me how he sees the world. He guides me and I allow him to colour my world with his understanding.

I have not spoken to him about this topic though. I am speaking to him now, telling him how I feel about it as I tell you.

I want to talk about authority.

Authority is many, many things but the aspect of it I want to focus on here is the quality of authority that allows one person to have control or power over another with no external force.

I am fascinated by this skill. I have to have it. I have to have that kind of authority – like many of us do- that allows me to develop people’s understanding, fully formed adults who have autonomy over their lives but allow me, for set periods of time to suggest a new way to live, a new way to see things. It is a skill I have had to learn over the last few years and when I started to do it I had to challenge my view of myself.  It is not a power trip or about making people do things against their will or things that are not good for them. It is about bringing people to better places and it is about orchestrating them to thrive. It feels fantastic and it is a honour that people choose to allow me to do this with them.

It is a subtle thing to exert. Authority is something in the voice, the eyes, the demeanour and a little magic. The magic is the indefinable part of it, the part that I could maybe define if I were prepared to study it and put authority under a microscope. But I don’t want to. I like the magic. I like the purple smoke of it. I like the mystery.

I love authority. I love having it at times. I thrive in an environment (at home and at work) where someone has authority over me.

I love that some people do not have authority over me. That moment where they are cocky and overextend themselves and they look nervous makes me happy for some inexplicable reason. I would not be cruel or unkind but I am not easy to control. I don’t think I am unusual or special in that way. I think we all have some figures in our lives who try to have authority over us and are surprised when we reject their attempts.

I think there are lots of girls like me who can submit to a special someone. I bet lots of these girls look askance at someone that takes their obedience for granted. It is not that we have to be unkind or rude to the person that foolishly assumes we will say “Yes, Sir” where no acquiescence has been ascertained. We do not have to be horrid because that would suggest insecurity and a lack of dignity. We simply do not submit.

But let’s not look at these figures lacking in authority, they bore me.

Why can some people assert authority at all?

For me, they have to have self control. They can control themselves and it shows. I think they will look neat and they will hold themselves with a relaxed but firm demeanour.

They will not be shy of me or afraid of me. They will hold my stare for lightly longer than I can hold theirs. They will often show a little humour at my flashes of temper or impatience. They would not be mean or belittle me but rather just allow themselves to be amused at my idiosyncrasies.

They will be kind, self confident and so never would they need to mock of someone’s faults or failings. They will tell me when I screw up. They will tell me without embarrassment or fear.

I am a lucky girl. I have a boss who is just like this. I am doing the best work of my life under him. He praises me and I feel fabulous. I trust him to tell me when I am silly. I enjoy and respect his authority. Oddly enough, I think experiencing the authority of DJ at home helps me to feel more relaxed about it at work

I am changing in myself after living fully with a man under whom I can submit. I am taking more risks, wise risks rather than foolish ones. I am  starting to do things I have always wanted to do, I am altering stretching, changing. When he tells me I am good I curl up in delight. When he tells me I am not so good (can you feel my pout) he brings me right back where I need to be and it does not matter one jot how I feel about it. But when he pats my bottom as I go out alone to do something that frightens me I know I can do it- even when I am alone I am with him.

For me, authority can’t be a bad thing. Mean people and unkind people can’t have authority over me. People in authority can’t tell me to do bad things -why would someone who feels good about themselves tell me to do something bad? I have no wish to discuss Milgram or his experiments even though I know they tell us terrifying truths about the human condition. I cannot begin to presume that I would be the exception in those experiments.

It is just that I am so thrilled with life because I am nestled up in good authority.

I hope you have a sense of your own authority, of your own power and potential.

I hope you have the wisdom to see selfish and false authority and reject it.

I hope you have found what you submit to, whether that is a person or an ideal.

PS

I want to thank those people who commented last week. I know what it means to find a safe place to read and a safe place to write- neither is easy and both are to be treasured. I wish I could reply and chat away with people but I cannot. I read the comments though, often many times over.  I will write and I will read and so we leave little notes for one another – we are all heard and we are all valued.

Thank you.