To Forgive is Divine, to forgive oneself is difficult

28Jan15

1 indigo2Indigo Signature BannerI remember a few years ago speaking to a colleague at work. She was very high powered and not a little scary. She was intelligent, forceful, calm and courageous. I adored her, obviously. I thought that she thought me weak and childish. I learned as much as I could from her, striving to live up to her standards. I did not think she noticed me much.

One day we were talking about something and I said that I had screwed something up. I cannot remember my words but I did not say anything unusual. She looked me hard in the eye and said, “Indigo, you are very hard on yourself.” It was the first time I had ever noticed that she noticed me. Hearing that from the this wise woman who did not suffer fools at all made me stop and wonder what on earth it was she had seen.

I have learned a lot about forgiveness since then. I want to tell you what I know. I want to tell you this because I think some other girls suffer with these feelings too and also because I know we have wise men and women that read here and I want to hear their thoughts too. The start of this is dark and sad, that is how it has to be. But I am only writing it so I can explain the way through.

I struggle with forgiveness. I struggle with it because I have not an inkling how to forgive myself. I am an expert at self flagellation. There is no insult or jibe that can be made to me that I have not made to myself a thousand times. There are times when I lie awake at night and create a theatre where the lights are lowered and only unkind words are whispered. The play is always the same. I know the words by now.

I replay things that I have done wrong. Things I have said that came out all wrong and left me flustered and others hurt storm around my head like a Greek chorus. Times when I have let myself down, or let others down haunt me with more terror than any ghost ever could.
I, for extra suffering, sometimes replay events whether others have hurt me. The slight and the major hurts that go to make up any life, march past me their soldier boots in an austere formation that send any peaceful sleep inducing sheep bleating for the hills.

I know at these times my breathing is fast, my heart beats wildly, my adrenaline flows freely. I know that my eyes strain against the darkness. Like a fox cornered by my own hounds, I stay still and quiet to see if the moment will pass me by.

1 indigoThis is no way to live and I know it. This allows no room for love or joy; it is a form of self abuse. It is choosing victimhood and allowing pain and hurt to define me. I can feel the impact that this debasement has on me in the night. I lie there, having tied myself down to the train tracks, some weak, melodramatic girl waiting for a train that is driven by me. This is not who or how I want to be. At best it is dull and self obsessed, at worst, it is destructive and hateful.

When I need to remember how to forgive I can remember how it is to be forgiven. I have been forgiven many times by friends, by family , by strangers even as I blunder into them but the best, most meaningful forgiveness comes from the man who love, whose forgiveness mingles with an instruction to love myself.

I can shut my eyes and remember how it feels to sit on his lap. Hard denim is against the soft skin of my thighs with his, finally light, hand resting against my swollen, incandescent bottom. I can feel my face leaning against his chest and I hear his heartbeat, soft and steady enough to drown out the marching. His other hand is in mine, it languishes there in my lap and he lets me play with it, fingers entwined, a sign language for lovers.

Writing this paragraph, I feel my whole body soothed and tranquil. I cannot summon up the actors and players who seek to abuse and insult me. There is no room for them in this peace.

To forgive, we must learn to forgive ourselves and I, for one, have only learned how to that on my lover’s knee. First when I am over it and then curled up in, kitten like, in his arms.

I can remember how it feels to be forgiven and lose myself in the physical sensation. It is as close to meditation as I can ever be. When I let myself soak this moment into the core of me I cannot even find the tension within me to feel anything but love for others and for myself.

Forgive yourself please.

We all deserve to be forgiven- no matter what we have done, we can make reparations for our wrongdoing, admit our flaws and endeavour to do better.

You deserve forgiveness and love, even if, like me, you have to be spanked terribly hard before you accept it.1 indigo3



15 Responses to “To Forgive is Divine, to forgive oneself is difficult”

  1. Dear Indigo,
    I love this post-forgiving myself has always been a struggle for me as well & although I wish you did not have to go through all that you discribed, it also makes me feel a little less alone to read that there is someone else who understands & has been to the “self abuse show”. I am good at forgiving others, but not myself. My husband forgives me most of the time before he even begins to spank, but there are times when even after a spanking I am still not able to forgive myself. He can usually tell right away when I have not yet forgiven myself and so he will sometimes spank again, not because he would want to but because he knows I need it in order to forgive myself. I wonder why it is so very hard to forgive myself when it is not this hard to forgive my loved ones. I am thankful to have found a man who is able to help me get where I cannot go alone & I am so glad that you have found one who does the same for you.
    I haven’t commented since you began writing here, but I look forward to reading your posts every week-This blog and another that is no longer in existence were the first two I found when I began researching the D/s lifestyle & I am subscribed & read every post. I have commented once or twice but find it a bit intimidating to comment to a Top & have expressed that to Dj when I did comment. I have found many other blogs but this is the only one (since the other was deleted) that has remained a part of my daily routine. It helped a little to get me over the loss of the other blog as well as just being great because of the talented author DJ is. I feel I am rambling & I apologize-I just want to thank you for writing & sharing yourself this way & thank DJ as well for providing you this way to reach out.
    Love,
    Scarlet AKA Singing Heart Mama

  2. Just perfect. Wonderfully, beautifully perfect. And precisely what i needed to read this morning.

  3. 3 George

    Such a wise young woman deserves a wise and caring man…

  4. Thank you for your gentle, thoughtful words. I used to think that if the spanking only was severe enough, leaving welts and bruises for days and days, I’d be able to feel truly forgiven. But seeing those marks only made me feel horrible, having misbehaved so badly they were necessary. I learned from a rather famous Swedish director that the best way to forgive myself was to find some place quiet, sit down and try to relive the situation, instead acting on my best behaviour. Then I say to myself that I might not have acted this way, but it’s ok, I’ll do better next time. That does the trick for me, even though I accept that Sir T sometimes need to spank me to be able to forgive me. All the best to you both.

  5. 5 MrJ

    It moves me deeply to read this. And to be invited to share thoughts. Thank you, Indigo, sincerely..

    Essentially, what you are saying, I think, is first and foremost that love is a quintessential condition for forgiving. When one is to forgive oneself as much as when one is to forgive another person.
    Second, it is so much easier to love the other, or oneself, when one feels being loved by one Significant Other.

    And yes,. being spanked properly is one form of being loved – doesn’t it? Just like enjoying laps does. And sometimes, I guess, being spanked helps to break down the barriers to love. At least in my home.

    Love – MrJ

  6. You and I are alike. I do the exact same thing! I told it perfectly! Thank you! Lots of Love!
    Peace and Love,
    Angel Rose

  7. Indigo, I’ve been thinking about what you have written for several hours now. I think that you aren’t treating yourself with the kindness you deserve. I find I have rather more to say than I can just leave in a comment, so I have written my thoughts in a post on my blog. Please visit if you can.

  8. 9 DJ

    Thanks everyone for the feedback – I know Indigo is grateful. 🙂

  9. 10 MrJ

    Meanwhile, I have thought about one other condition for forgiving.
    Between people, forgiveness is a final step after an episode where things went wrong. Forgiveness brings closure to that episode, opens and enables a novel one.
    In order to do close an episode, though, we must have peace with it. Between people, that means: reconciliation, i.e. a mutually articulated recognition of what happened, and what it did to either of them. Within oneself coming to peace may mean something like: once fully articulate what happened, how it has felt – and that this is now done and over with.

    I hasten to add, that I have seen instances where this was not neither possible nor possible – simply because nothing went wrong, except in one person’s mind. Mostly, such ideas may only be exorrcized by somebidy else. And that takes us again to the realm of love and all that.

  10. Thank you for sharing I really love reading your words they are extremely wise and speak so many volumes into my heart and mind.
    I had never thought of the act of not forgiving yourself and reliving those mistakes as self-harm till now, then again I never thought much on it at all. Perhaps it’s a human thing to dwell on our past and its alway at least for me harder to forgive myself than to forgive others and perhaps I dwell on it because I have not yet reached the peace or feel I have not yet paid for the mistakes. I think though after doing this for so long it just becomes habit to do so, a new default for the brain.

  11. If it is a habit, it is learned behavior which can be replaced by a new habit if you work at it.

  12. 14 DJ

    Indigo is excited by all your comments and once again regrets that she cannot comment herself.

  13. I agree with everybody. Well done DJ.
    I also like the pictures.
    DeborahGifford


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