Rustic intuition


So you are out in the woods on a nice sunny autumn day and she starts to act up.

“Do you want a spanking?” You say.

“Out here? You wouldn’t dare,” she replies, albeit with the good grace (not to mention wisdom) to sound uncertain.

Ok there is that challenge. First hurdle coming up; there is nowhere to sit to take her over your knee. It is all very well in books and DJ Black stories; there is always a handy fallen tree. Guess what, this is real life and the last storm or overzealous woodsman did not provide one.

The second hurdle is that a hand spanking takes time, so unless you want to factor in some deliberate public humiliation, there is a good chance you are going to start something that you may not be able to finish.

Okay, here is a tip (of what not do). You are in the woods right, you didn’t bring a cane, why would you? But there are just thousands of thin little straight lengths of box and birch. Great short, sharp and in a semi-public environment your point will be soon made.

Have you ever tried to break a decent length of birch, box, apple, hazel… with just your fingers? It takes a while and the chances are the first, second and fourteenth attempt will end in a split lengthwise mess.

Finally you have a nice swishy switch and she is looking very nervous.

“Hello, we’re playing in the woods,” says a cute little poppet from nowhere, complete with his little brother.

So were we until you turned up, you think. “That’s nice.” You can almost hear the next words out of the cherub’s mouth, ‘what’s that for?’

She is giggling now and all hope of recovering the situation is fading fast.

The moral of this story is that the next time you resort to a rustic intuition, go better prepared.

11 Responses to “Rustic intuition”

  1. Be prepared and pack a picnic- that is what he means, I am sure of it.

  2. 2 paul1510

    DJ, take a penknife and/or a belt. 😀

  3. 3 dd

    Paul, I was going to suggest the penknife!

    DJ, this made me giggle, now you have some idea of how tricky life can be with children on tap! You are kinder about them than I would have been but possibly less used to these little interuptions 🙂

  4. Little poppets sound charming! I think the woods should be just filled with them, as well as picnic baskets and bluebirds.

    No need for nasty switches then, none at all.

  5. 5 DJ

    Now if someone had fallen and broken there leg the would have been out there all night without seeing a soul – but when you don’t need anyone its like Camden High Street.

    Actually someone did break their leg – an old lady and a Landrover with Community Assistance appeared from nowhere – so that is not quite true.

    So at least all these poppets would be safe.


  6. Spontaneity is awesome but planning ahead pays off. I was never a boy scout but am an excellent planner.


  7. The second moral is … you need not make up for lost time when you get home again.
    Canes hurt.

  8. 8 lictor

    Er, not box. Hazel, birch, willow, even a young ash sapling is pretty good, but box…er, not really!

    Your friendly local pedant, Lictor

    • 9 DJ

      You are probably right – I have cut a length of box and it seemed to be promising – but as I said in this – never got to try it.

      Although I have to say – that I am not a aborologist so it might not have been box I cut. 😉

      thanks DJ

  9. Er, not hazel, birch, willow or even young ash sapling, none of them are any good … er, not really
    Try chocolate, green and blacks, even Cadburys at a push.

    Your friendly local bottom, Poppy.

  10. 11 Christina

    A picnic in the woods sounds delightful! I met someone online in a PA chatroom whom wanted to do just that with me however I did not take him up on his “offer” because I hadnt really talked with him that long in what I call an Instant Message!!

    I was a bit concerned when he asked that I wear a short mini skirt although at the same time I was “intrigued” but thankfully our Lord poked me & I listened to my inner voice!!

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