The Visitor


He had been travelling for decades in human time, almost ever since his kind became aware of the corporeal culture on the distant planet Earth. At first, the analysis had almost missed the nuances of this complex civilisation, but he had seen beyond that. His field was order and discipline, but the revelation about human emotions seemed a direct challenge to any functioning system. And so he had set out to investigate.

Over the intervening years, he had changed as he studied the approaching planet. First he had begun to think of himself as a He, then he had taken corporeal form grown from the distant scans of synthesised DNA. Then as he learned more about the Earth culture he saw that it was based upon layers of deception. There were rules, both declared and undeclared but underneath there were hidden desires so intense that it was almost impossible to see how any order could be maintained at all.

Nevertheless, civilisation seemed to thrive in this state. For although it was true that order did frequently break down leading to violence at both a local individual level and on a more global scale, he calculated that over all, 99% of the humans functioned as part of social system for 99% of the time. This he found absolutely fascinating.

All that was left to him now was where to make first contact. After years of consideration, he had finally discounted the dominant cultural division or nation after watching an infotainment broadcast called Sex in the City. He concluded that many of the inhabitants of that nation’s dominant city might be in fact dangerously insane.

Instead he had chosen a large island between the two main landmasses as his point of insertion. This offered the best geographical location coupled with a culture that was connected to two of the other dominant cultural divisions. It also seemed to be the point of origin of the dominant language.

In particular, there was a relatively sparsely populated area north and east of the island’s main city called Norfolk that was evidentially considered to be an exemplary example of standard cultural behaviour. He had ascertained this on another infotainment broadcast called Eddie Izzard Live at the Apollo, when the phrase ‘normal for Norfolk’ was used and the large numbers of humans participating in the broadcast laughed, a human sign of approval.

He hid his craft deep in a flooded gravel pit. A geographic feature that seemed typical in Norfolk. Then adopting what he hoped was local clothing set out to make first contact.

It did not take him long to find a strange multi-coloured building with a huge sign that proclaimed ‘Uncle Joe’s authentic American Diner – a taste of the wild west in England’s wild east’.

“Uncle Joe.” The Visitor spoke aloud for the first time. “I need a name on this planet.”

He pondered this for a moment and then consulted his ships database remotely. He needed something bland.

“John Bland.” He decided, and then laughed at his own cleverness. Then stopped abruptly, puzzled by his own reaction.

I must remain objective and avoid emotional contamination, he thought. Then he proceeded to the diner.

Jenny was 24 and if she had been born 30 years earlier, would have been a punk. This place is dead, she thought, as she ran her hands through her short-cropped dark hair and chewed unconsciously on the corner of the collar of her leather jacket. What was the point of being a rebel if there was nothing to rebel against?

Then the door opened and Jenny looked up to see a tall Eurasian man enter the restaurant. He wore an odd dark grey business suit that appeared to have a zip at the front instead of buttons. The overall effect was as if someone had made a bad attempt at crossing Winston Churchill with Chairman Mao and ending up with John Lennon circa 1964. But given that the waitress was dressed like Pocahontas and the short-order cook like a cartoon version of John Wayne, only he was even fatter, then the stranger was positively conservative in his sartorial elegance.

The diner was showing back-to-back westerns on a TV in the corner. At the moment, it was showing McKlintock!, a 1960s movie starring John Wayne that Jenny had vaguely remembered seeing as a child. The owner of what had been a typical roadside transport café had obviously seen it once too often during his childhood hence the ludicrous out of place theme.

John surveyed the bar and wondered if he had chosen the correct clothing. But then he realised that no one appeared to take any notice, so he shrugged and sat down. So that’s a shrug, he observed, again puzzled by his human traits.

John had been sitting for a while before Pocahontas decided that she was bored enough to go and take his order.

“I am John Bland how do you do?” John said awkwardly extending an arm.

Pocahontas looked at his offered hand like it was a snake and sneered.

“You trying to pick me up?” She said.

John considered for a moment. Could he pick her up with just one arm and why might he do that? More to the point, why would she think he would and was that an appropriate response?

“That was not my intention.” John said.

“Good ‘cos I don’t like Chinks.” She replied.

“Hey do you mind.” Jenny growled, outraged that anyone would still say that. “Anyway I don’t think he is Chinese stupid.”

The waitress ignored her and continued to stare belligerently at John.

“No I am not Chinese.” John smiled awkwardly still unsure of himself. “I am a British man and a citizen of the splendid European Union.”

“Whatever.” Pocahontas sighed suddenly wishing she had listened more at school, as she was overwhelmed with his fancy talk. “What do you want?”

“I wish to learn.”

“I mean what do you want to eat?”

“Some local cultural food please.” He smiled.

“Joe, one burger and chips.” She bellowed.

“Do you want tea or coffee with that?”

“Can I have a beer please?” John asked taking his cue from John Wayne on TV.

“We don’t have an alcohol license.” Pocahontas said impatiently. “I can get you a sarsaparilla.”

“What is a sarsaparilla?”

“Buggered if I know. No bugger ever orders it. Its some cowboy shit that Joe bought in, least he thinks so, I wouldn’t know.”

“Cow boy shit does not sound good, can I have tea please.”

“Yeah like you were ever going to have anything else.” Pocahontas snorted and went to get it.

Jenny, who had already started to hate the mock western café and its pretensions and more especially the waitress cold not help enjoying the exchange and wondered if the mysterious John was pulling their leg.

John sat back to struggle with his food and to watch the movie. Jenny ordered another coffee and sat back to watch John.

The movie became increasingly interesting as it went on. John began to detect the underplay of complex rules to the social order. The two spanking scenes were particularly interesting as both seemed to restore order to the situation and lead to a positive outcome. They also stimulated him emotionally in way he could not yet discern.

“Hey you done watching movies or do you want pay for that?” Pocahontas growled.

“I will watch another infotainment thank you.” John said sensing some hostility. “As to pay, I understand. You require some economic transaction units. I can’t remember is it dollars or Euros here?”

“You’re shitting me right?”

“I am sorry I don’t understand. You are attempting hostility.” John said increasingly puzzled. “Explain what you require and I will transfer the necessary economic details to your facility.”

“Will you talk English? If you don’t pay up I will call the police.”

“You haven’t even given him the bill yet.” Jenny called over enjoying the waitress’ discomfort even more now. “You have had an attitude problem all morning and especially since he walked in.”

“Ah now I understand.” John smiled. “You are one of the one percent disharmonious ones.”

“I’m what?” Pocahontas exclaimed.

John turned back to the screen seeking more guidance from John Wayne, but instead saw that the next broadcast had begun and his instructor was to be Gary Cooper. No matter, he thought, I believe that I remember the appropriate technique for attitude adjustment.

He stood up and grabbed a chair from the next table and sat down.

“What are you doing now?” Pocahontas scratched her ear.

That’s what I want to know, Jenny thought with a smile. This was going to be good, she sensed.

John grabbed hold of Pocahontas and pulled her down over his lap as he had seen the men do in the infotainment earlier.

“What are you doing?” She screamed and began to struggle.

John looked around for flat metal paddle as had been used but seeing none, he remembered that the flat of the hand was an acceptable substitute. First he raised the seat of the short skirt, the red headed woman had accepted her correction through thin pantalets, he remembered. She too had made a fuss and shouted a lot, so he must be doing this correctly. Only this woman had very little on under her skirt, certainly not pantalets. No matter, he shrugged, and brought his hand down hard across her squirming bottom.

“You bastard.” Pocahontas howled.

“Hey.” Joe blustered not knowing what to do.

Jenny rolled around laughing, this was way better than she could have imagined.

John had the body of an optimum male and was further enhanced by his technology so the spanking was more effective than he knew. Pocahontas certainly thought so and began shouting the place down.

“This is taking the western theme too far.” Said a woman who was ushering her two laughing children out. “Someone call the police, that woman has no underwear one, it’s indecent.”

Pocahontas started to cry and say she was sorry.

“You can have my number, just please stop.” She wailed.

Jenny was hugging herself with delight and only hoped he didn’t stop anytime soon. He might not have done, but the door opened and two policewomen entered the café.

“Hey stop that.” The first one yelled pulling something from her belt, which instantly opened into some kind of weapon.

“You had better get out of here.” Jenny said urgently.

“More women with attitude problems.” John said seriously.

“That’s not a good idea.” Jenny said anxiously.

John dropped the sobbing Pocahontas on the floor and stood to meet his two ‘attackers’.

The first he disarmed easily and locked her in her own handcuffs. The second was ready for him and a short struggle ensued. But eventually he disarmed her too and then to everyone’s complete shock dragged the struggling police officer over to the chair and upended her over his knee.

“Take her knickers down.” Jenny gasped with glee, not really believing he would do it.

He did.

The policewoman growled in anger as his hand came blasting down on her bare bottom. Her colleague, meanwhile tried to exit the building to call for back-up but could not open the door with her arms pinned behind her back. And it seemed no one was willing to help her transfixed as they were by the spanking.

The fleeing police officer realised the futility of her position and backed away to watch her companion’s spanking and swallowed hard knowing that in all likelihood she was next.

“You can’t do this.” The first policewoman bawled. “Its not right.”

At this point she was still angry, but the sting in her behind was beginning to overwhelm her.

“Alright sir, we might have been hasty.” She gasped. “Please sir.”

John spanked on hard as he realised that he was enjoying himself. The woman’s bottom was turning an interesting colour and she was definitely moderating her attitude.

“Sir.” She started chocking sobs and Jenny thought her childish down turned lower lip was hysterical.

“Alright you seem to be sufficiently corrected.” John said at last. “You, the other one. Come here.”

“Look you won’t get away with this.” The second officer spluttered.

John stood up and crossed the room and took hold of her.

“Please don’t.” She wailed.

Then her uniform trousers and knickers joined each other at her ankles as she went over his knee.

The second constable was younger than the first and hardly looked old enough to be a cop, even by Jenny’s standards. She started crying and begging for mercy at once.

Then in the distance came the sound of more sirens.

“Hey you had better cut your losses.” Jenny urged.

“Perhaps there are others here in need of an attitude adjustment.” John said dropping the tearful cop on the floor.

He cast his eye about and several of the female customers shrank in their seats with dread and perhaps other feelings.

“Hey John, that your name?” Jenny said with even more agitation. “Lets split.”

John was happy to have recruited a local guide and followed Jenny quietly outside.

“Where is your car?” Jenny said eyeing the direction of the approaching sirens.

“A car?” John asked puzzled. “I walked. I don’t have one of those.”

Jenny shrugged, John knew that gesture, and looked at the abandoned police car.

“Oh well in for a penny.” She grinned.

Two minutes later, they were racing down the B road for a little place Jenny knew.

“That was amazing.” Jenny giggled after they had dumped the car.

“I was only trying to address social dysfunction.” John explained.

“But you spanked two cops. It was a hoot.”

“You agree I did the right thing?” John asked.

“Oh defo.” Jenny gushed.

Less than half an hour after they had dumped the car in a lane they had sliped across the fields to a cottage that Jenny used as he squat.

After that John and Jenny talked for hours until Jenny said she would fix some food. While she was out of the room John began reading her books. There were a lot on the theme of teenage rebellion and some crime novels. John cross-referenced some of them remotely with his ships database. He began to suspect that Jenny was not a good girl.

“The car that you took?” He asked when she returned. “It was a crime was it not?”

“Well hell yeah.” Jenny grinned. “But it was fun wasn’t it?”

“Those women that attacked us were corrupt officers?” John asked still puzzled. “There are like the dysfunctional police in your books.”

“Oh sure they were definitely corrupt.” Jenny agreed with a smirk.

“That’s why they intervened against justice?”

“That’s right. Pocahontas had it coming.” Jenny grinned.

“What about you? Do you have it coming for taking the car?” John asked seriously.

“Eh… hey hang on I saved your backside back there… Oh come on.” Jenny’s eyes went wide as John started flicking through the pages of one of her S&M magazines. Then his eye fell upon a paddle similar to the one used by John Wayne half-concealed by the sofa. Only this one was made of wood.

“That’s just a sort of joke. Me and an ex-boyfriend used it to kid around.” Jenny said nervously as he picked it up.

“Come here.” John said matter-of-factly.

Jenny made a bolt for the door but John grabbed her and dragged her back

“I am afraid this is necessary as a corrective for the disruption of the social order.”

“What?” Jenny said distracted by his strange vocabulary.

Then John reached under her short skirt and drew down her underwear.

“Hey.” Jenny squirmed reaching back to try and forestall the raising of her skirt.

“Your bottom is fascinating.” John said strangely moved by the sight. “More pleasant than the girl at the food place.”

“Thanks but ain’t you kinda forward… ow.”

John brought the paddle down hard.

“Hey that hurt.” Jenny gasped.

“I am sorry but I have decided you will benefit from a spanking.”

Then he began in earnest and soon Jenny was beyond coherent verbal protests.

“Yahh.” She yelled. “Please.”

“I believe you mean thank you.” John said in response bringing the paddle down a dozen more times in quick succession.

“Its not fair.” Jenny wailed and started to cry.

The spanking lasted another five minutes until John judged that Jenny’s distress was becoming too great and then he stopped.

“You bastard.” She sobbed hugging him.

“I will comfort you later. First you must stand in the corner.” John said remembering a scenario in one of her books.

“I have a better idea.” She said huskily kissing him.


The next morning they were awoken by a knock on the door.

“Shit it’s the cops.” Jenny said standing naked at the window to look out.

John looked up at her and admired her still red bottom as peeked below the curtains. The previous night had been unexpected and he was still trying to analyse it, but increasingly to no avail as nothing about this existence equated with his former life.

“The cops?”

“The police dummy.”

“Oh I will apologise about yesterday’s misunderstanding.” John said cheerfully.

“No wait.” Jenny gasped but too late John went to the door and opened it.

He was about to speak when another woman followed by a camera crew ran out of the bushes.

“What do you say about accusations that you have been assaulting women in public, including two police officers.” The pushy young woman asked shoving an object on a cord under his nose.

“Do you mind this is a police matter, Miriam Overly, isn’t it? Eastern News?” The police woman said.

“Inspector, what are you doing about it?” The woman persisted.

“May I step inside please sir.” The inspector said shoving the TV reporter back.

John invited the inspector inside even as the reporter tried to push past.

“Don’t say anything John.” Jenny urged standing behind him dressed only in her leather jacket, which she tugged down in front.

“On this occasion that might be wise.” The inspector agreed. “I really don’t know what is going on but I don’t want anymore of it. I have heard rumours of an occurrence at Joe’s café yesterday. A young man was arrested in a missing police car some miles from here and he says he acquired in the lane here. An inconclusive eyewitness report said that a person fitting your description acted out a scene from a western movie show, namely that you spanked the waitress. The waitress is not pressing charges and a separate report that you spanked two of my officers is being vehemently denied by them.”

“Well I assure you…” John began.

“Please sir, don’t say a word, not one word. When I transferred here from the Met, they warned me about Norfolk. Well I don’t care what goes on down here, just don’t do it on my patch.” The inspector said grimly. “I have my eye on you. I’ll be going now.”

Jenny hugged herself with glee that her new friend had got away with it. The two cops had obviously decided that discretion was the better part of valour in the face of ridicule.

As the inspector walked to her car, the reporter shoved a mike in his nose.

“Can you confirm that you are the phantom spanker?” She said.

John asked her to wait a moment and then went inside. He returned with the paddle and brandished it at the woman with the mike.

“Are you getting this?” She asked her cameraman.

Then John sat on the front step and pulled the woman over his lap.

“Oh yeah I’m getting this.” The cameraman grinned making no attempt to rescue her.

“What are you doing?” The Miriam screamed.

Then remembering that the woman who was spanked outside in the infotainment was not bare, so he said to Jenny: “Is it appropriate to bare her bottom?”

“Oh definitely.” Jenny grinned.

John looked up at the soundman standing to one side, he pushed out his lower lip and nodded his agreement. So he shrugged, he loved that, and shucked down the reporter’s slacks and underwear.

“What are you doing?” Miriam gasped.

John ignored her and began to give her the spanking of her life.

“Ms Overly.” The inspector called from the door of her car with a smirk. “I do hope you are getting your story. Let me know if you want to press charges.”

“Help.” Miriam wailed, but no avail.

Five minutes later, she was standing moist eyed and trying to draw a breath while pulling up her slacks.

“You bastard. You can burn that footage.” She growled at the laughing cameraman. “There is no story here.”

She looked daggers at John but then her face cracked a smile and she slipped him her card.

“Call me sometime you brute.” She whispered.

“Looks like you scored.” Jenny giggled as the inspector and the TV crew drove away.

“Scored? Oh yes, succeeded.” John smiled. “I am going to like this planet. There are many attitudes to adjust and social corrections to make.”

“And I thought I was nuts.” Jenny laughed.

“Nuts? Is that a social dysfunction? Would a spanking help?” John asked seriously taking up the paddle.


5 Responses to “The Visitor”

  1. 1 Karl Friedrich Gauss

    What a lovely story, Damien. All very plausible. Now if only there WERE visitors from other dimensions or planets trying to learn our customs.

    Of course, some people believe that there ARE such beings. For instance, Ingo Swann, who was one of the psychics studied by Hal Puthoff and Charles Hart at Stanford University towards the end of the last centrury in their efforts to standardize a protocol for what has become known as remote viewing, wrote accounts of encounters with such beings in his book, Penetration (actually nothing to do with sex, though it would be a good title for a porn novel).

    That book is out of print and very pricey on the used market, but can be read or downloaded from Scribd for the trouble of a free signup. Here’s the link, for those who wish to learn more:

  2. 2 paul1510

    DJ, very nice fantasy, really enjoyed it, thank you.

  3. 3 Sylvie

    A funny story! He’d soon be famous once word came out…. and very busy too 😉
    Very lovely!


  4. 4 OldSchoolGirl

    Ha ha. Reminds me of a movie “Amanda and the Alien” or something like that from the ’80s. This is what they should have made instead.

  1. 1 - Chross Guide To The Spanking Internet

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