Dotes: to want or not to want, three women’s dilemma

What would my friends say?

What would my friends say?

Young women today for the most part know what they want. If they want to be spanked or to explore erotic submission they can start a blog or just ask their partners for what they want without ever considering that it may a be a betrayal of all women kind.

If you were a young woman in college during the 1980s then you had to be a militant feminist. You had to speak the right words and think the right thoughts. If a woman happen to scream “oh god no” in the middle of sex then sex had to stop on the spot until she confirmed in triplicate that she did not mean it. Verbal communication in an intelligent intellectual debate topped all. How you felt was often subordinated to what you should feel. Young men and women read books by Californian feminists to find out what to feel. 

It is in this climate that women (and men) had to come to terms with their sexuality and confront their secret desires.

This is the story of three different women who struggled to come to terms with sexual submissive desires in the 1980s.

The first woman, we shall call her Jane, at the time of our story was about 21 and the most confident of the three. She was an active feminist and was always at the forefront of disputes that seemed to put women at a disadvantage. She even edited the notice board of the mixed hall of residence to strike out any politically incorrect words. Mostly this was quite harmless; security men got changed to security persons, that kind of thing.

 Jane was extremely charming and attractive and always tactful and never abrasive. There were arguments of course, but mostly people kept their thoughts to themselves if they disagreed.

Then one day during the last week of term she introduced her fiancé to her circle of friends. He had come to help pack and move her out of college. He was a down to earth sort of chap with no college education. He seemed a little embarrassed by the forthright nature of his future wife, but there seemed no real problem.

 A few days later she was talking to John, one of her male friends, and she happened to mention that she was having great trouble packing.

“I expect its all those feminist books.” He laughed.

“Oh no I have given all that up.” She replied dismissively. “Its far too much hassle, I don’t want to rule the world anymore, if men want it they can have it.”

“You naughty girl.” Her friend gasped in amazement, “After all that trouble you caused.” They were both laughing.

 As she walked away he said in jest, “You ought to be spanked.”

 She grinned and replied, “I already have been and if I don’t get a move on with the packing I expect I will be again.”

She gave a saucy smile and poked out her tongue as she fled.

The second woman, Anne, lived in the same halls of residence and was also 21. She also knew John and around this time they had a conversation about relationships. She was seeing a rugby type who delighted in baiting the campus women’s group. She was torn by this as she agreed with their aims but not their methods.

“They are all so strident.” She complained.

Around this time there was a minor scandal in the halls about a lesbian couple from the women’s rugby team getting up to all kinds of boisterous behaviour. Including as it happens lots of spanking.

Anne was rather depressed by the hypocrisy of it as she felt that spanking games seemed to be OK if they were girl-on-girl but her boyfriend’s antics were deemed out of line.

“What antics?” John asked very intrigued.

 Now John had a certain reputation. So Anne plucked up her courage and told him.

“We play rough. Not only that but he orders me about and if he doesn’t approve of something I get spanked.”

 “Is this a game? Or is there a problem?” John asked.

 “Its kind of a game I suppose, it’s certainly no problem.” Anne replied, “I don’t see what I do in private or how I conduct my relationships has got anything to do with whether or not I get equal pay and equal rights.”

“It hasn’t. Who says it has?”

“No one, because no one knows but they would if they found out.”

It seems that both Anne and Jane wanted the same things out of a relationship but had two different ways of dealing with it. Anne’s main concern was that she might be effectively outed by not giving up her obviously political incorrect boyfriend and that she would have to deal with the stigma of that.

 On the other hand she had reconciled herself to being a social feminist and a private submissive. Whereas Jane had dealt with it by giving it up altogether and pretending that it didn’t matter.

 Our third woman, Helen, was a little older and was studying for her postgrad at another university.

 She shared a house of with several other women. At the weekend her boyfriend used to come up from London and spend the weekend with her.

 There relationship was somewhat unusual. He would boss her about and thought nothing of giving her a spanking in front of the other women.

 They thought it was quite amusing and assumed everything was, in its own way, under control. She certainly appeared to be.

 Carol, one of her housemates at the time, takes up the story: “I went into her room one day believing it to be empty to get the shared vacuum cleaner Helen had left there. I was surprised to see that she was in the room naked from the waist down standing in the corner. She had obviously had a recent spanking and was looking very sheepish as I walked in.”

 “Go away.” She hissed at me and I fled the room embarrassed at having been an intruder.

 “Things like this went on for several months. Apart from a couple of the girls going on about women’s rights at her no one seemed to be that bothered.”

 “Then one day she turned up at the pub and came over to where we were sitting. Instead of sitting down she ducked under the table and said ‘don’t let him find me’.”

 “A short while later her boyfriend turned up looking for her and there was a bit of a fight between him and two of the lads that were with us.”

 “After he had gone she said she thought it was time she stood up for herself and asserted her women’s rights.”

 Up until then Carol had been of the firm impression that she had accepted and welcomed the relationship and felt very guilty that she had not helped Helen before. Then about a year later after they had all gone their separate ways Carol met up with Helen once again.

 “I saw her coming out of the supermarket hand-in-hand with her ex-boyfriend. The one she was apparently so afraid of. She smiled and looked embarrassed but not unhappy. We talked for a while and she said they were back together and that everything was OK. She was sorry that she had made a fuss.”

 Was Helen having a crisis of conscience about the dichotomy between what she wanted and what she thought she should have? Or did she miss her boyfriend and gave up politics for love? Or did she find a middle way like Anne did?

 Three women, three different dilemmas.

One Response to “Dotes: to want or not to want, three women’s dilemma”

  1. 1 Elly

    This is so true.

    I was wracked with guilt all through college bacause I could not square my fantasies with my politics.

    The I found out that my ‘political mentor’ was into spanking with her girl friend.

    I realised that only difference between me and them was that I was hetro.

    I liked the story about the feminist who gave it all up for spankings. Politics does not make you happy.


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