What’s your poison?

08Aug09
Are we over doing it? The chains are great, but the castle, come on.

Are we over doing it? The chains are great, but the castle, come on.

So you know you’re not vanilla. But then what are you into? Maybe its not important to you because you don’t like labels? But then again perhaps before you can cast aside labels you need to be clear what the labels are. What for instance is the difference between BDSM and BD or S&M? Are these the same as subDom or is that something else? Perhaps you are just an anal-centric spanking fetishist.

It can be important because if you want to engage with someone who is into BD and you are S&M orintated then it may not necessarily be be a good fit. A bottom fetishist who is into spanking may not be into BDSM in a way the traditional follower may recognise.

In fact there seems to be no universally agreed definition of the word spanking. In the UK (and most dictionaries incidentally) it is assumed to mean the repeated rapid striking of the buttocks with something flat like an open palm or hairbrush. In other words you cannot be said to spank with a cane or a whip.

However in some communities, especially for those of a non-english origin or for those based in the United States, the term spanking or spanko is often a catchall for all kinds of BDSM and subDom interests.

Does it matter? Well it might if you buy a spanking novel expecting red cheeks and cornertime and it turns out that the action is centred on ropes and hot wax.

In practice the definitions are at best blurred and in most cases people are not so narrowly fixed in a genre.

However, there is surely some value in clarity of terms. If only to establish your starting point.

It would be possible to write a book about this topic, indeed there are many, so trying to express or explore all these terms in one article is impossible. But in order to give some clarity as to where this blog is coming from what follows is a summary of some terms and meanings. It is in no means intended to be exhaustive of ultimately definitive.

The subDom (submission and domination) term applies to a relationship where one person is sexually submissive to the other, this is often characterised by one one person submiting to bondage, discipline, spanking and other submissive acts but this may not necessarily be so. For instance the book A Slave to Love is the true account of the unusual relationship between a Victorian barister, Arthur Munby and his maid and lover Hannah Culwick. There is no bondage or spanking involved.

In a subDom pairing the realtionship is often fixed and practices within that realtionship will stem from that. This type of relationship, like all good relationships is built on trust. The submissive will tend to accept the wishes of dominant as being ultimately in her interests. For instance the formal use of safe words is usually rare.

BD (Bondage and Discipline) is a term that does not necessarily define a relationship but describes a practice that may go on with in it. A subDom relationship will almost certainly (but not necessarily as has been said) include elements of BD. It involves one party restricting and controlling, often physically, the other. The discipline can, and often does, involved spanking, canes, whips, and usually restraints. The restraint element may merely involve putting the submissive in the corner.

S&M (sadism and masochism) seems to be one that is most misunderstood. It is term that is most employed by vanilla society to describe all manner of subDom and BD lifestyles. However in reality it is probably the rarest species in the menagerie. It has been argued that we are all more or less sadists and masochists and that it is just a question of degree. However in reality people who can only achieve sexual fulfilment through inflicting pain are rare. Although true masochists may be slighly more common, usually the fulfilment for them in a subDom relationship is pschyological. It is well to note that that the term masochism is used here to describe in broad terms those with certain sexual needs and not some pscychological disturbed people who may indulge in self-harm.

True we could split hairs, perhaps all submissive are in some way masochists, but the operative element here is the sadist. A true sadist does not seek out masochists, their ideal would be to torment someone who is vanilla.

BDSM in truth is not really about sadism. Most practioners would be mortified if they traumatised their submissives. In a BDSM relationship it is common for instance to use a safe word. In other words the submissive is the one who decides how much pain they recieve. This of course begs the question of who is in control.

This brings us to spanking and bottom fetishists (SBF). For this group there is minimal interest in anything that does not involved (usually a female) bottom. This botom may be spanked, whipped, caned or put in a corner for submissive display, almost anything goes as long as the submissive bottom is featured. For both parties, especially the submissive, redness and soreness are often an important element. As one submissive woman once said: “I get a real thrill out having a secretly sore bottom on a train or in a lecture hall and remembering what I was doing the night before, the sorer it is the greater the thrill. Even the idea that I cannot sit down is a way of submitting long after the event, a kind of control at a distance.”

Clearly the last point includes elements of subDom, BD and even masochism, but it all stems from the core needs of a SBF, without it the interest is diminished.

Perhaps all this shows that it helps if you know where you are coming from. This blog will be largely focused on MF and FF subDom SBF/BD.

So what’s your poison?



One Response to “What’s your poison?”

  1. 1 Richard

    No actually it implies a level of consent of submit that is more than just the flagulate more than the humility it is the giving of ones body complete to another the soul bared


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